Keep it simple

Or, as my Grandfather would say...Keep it simple stupid!

What could I be referring to? Well, that would be leaving messages love! You see, I'm not interested that you're responding to an email/voice mail that Jake left you three days ago about a proposal on something-or-other but you haven't been able to get back to him until now because you were buying a house and your wife just had her 3rd(!) baby and the cat threw up on the carpet right when you were grabbing your coat to come to work today and then your car broke down and on top of all that you've just been so busy at work with all these deadlines and they're so much harder to meet what with Jenny being laid off a couple weeks ago and all and Oh my god! you've got this huge presentation to the VP of marketing in just a week and you haven't even been able to make it to the grocery store let alone return a phone call!

Yeah, see, I really don't care. All I need to know is your name, your phone number, and the best time for Jake to reach you. That's it! :) Isn't that much easier than giving a perfect stranger your whole life story? Don't you feel relieved that you don't have to tell me all that? I thought you would!

Excuse me, my other lines are ringing!

The purpose of a receptionist is pretty simple: Answer the phone, transfer calls, and greet guests. Our purpose is NOT to chat with you on the phone whilst other lines ring off the hook. I understand. I have a nice friendly voice. I am pleasant on the phone. I do my very best to not be rude. But you see, when you are engaging me in a conversation beyond the full name and/or extension of the person you are calling while you can hear the phones ringing in the background, you are being rude and forcing me to be rude as well. Something you clearly fail to understand is this - there is another person on the other end of that line that has caused my phone to ring. While you are trying to chat with me, that person has to wait. They don't know why they have to wait. All they know is the phone just rings and rings and rings! They shouldn't have to wait at all. They should be able to have their call answered in a timely manner (I'm sure you appreciated it when I answered your call after only one ring!). After all, that's what I was hired to do. It's my prime directive so to speak. So, please don't ask me how my day is and try to engage in playful banter. I want none of it.

Being a jerk is uncalled for

Must you take your bad day out on a woman that's just doing her job? No, I don't think you must do that. I think what you must do is take a step back and reexamine your life. Determine where your mother went wrong when teaching you proper etiquette. Or perhaps, she did nothing wrong and it's really just bad decision making on your part. Whatever the case may be, you seem to be a terribly unhappy person that defines the meaning behind the term "Misery loves company." Yours is not the type of company I would ever chose to keep, so please refrain from calling me any further-I do not like you. I only like those that know the names and extensions of the person(s) they are calling. Have a great day!

Phone harassment-in general just bad karma-and often illegal

I had a very bad experience yesterday my dear reader(s). An incredibly unstable individual decided to take her bad day out on me. To the point that she made threats to my safety. This is not proper phone etiquette. Nor is it the best way to live one's life, but we'll keep this discussion to proper phone usage.

This is the family friendly-ish edited versions of our five (yes, 5) conversations.

Call #1
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name.
Her-Yeah! Who is this?!?!?
Me-Repeat company name
Her-WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!
Me-This is company name
Her-NO!!!!!! WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!?!
Me-Who are you trying to reach?
Her-You been calling me all day. Stop it or get bent!
Me-I'm a switchboard operator, I do not make phone calls.
Her-Begins screaming incoherently
Me-Hangs up

Call #2
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name.
Her-Oh I got you now! I'm reporting your ass!
Me-Excuse me?
Her-Your dead
Me-do not threaten me
Her-Begins screaming incoherently
Me-hangs up

Call #3
Me-(recognizing the phone number)Answering the phone less politely than normal with my company name.
Her-WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Me-Ma'am, you're the one that keeps calling me
Her-Begins screaming incoherently
Me-Stop calling me or I will have to report you
Her-continuing to scream
Me-hangs up

Call #4
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name (she decided to call from a different phone # this time).
Her-$#@!^^$* (*%^#!%@ %%^&***#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me-Hangs up

Call #5
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name (she decided to call from yet another phone # than the previous two).
Her-I'm going to ____ rip your %*#!^)@ ______ off and _________ you _____.
Me-I've written down all the numbers that you've called me from and I will report you to the authorities. I suggest you stop calling me.
Her-Silence
Me-Hangs up

Let's dissect this incident to clarify where she may have misunderstood what to do when calling other people shall we?

Mistake number one
She did not know who she was calling. As you no doubt know from previous posts, I've found this to be an unhelpful no-no for everyone that is involved. She asked multiple times in her first call who the hell I was. Just a side note, it's not nice to swear at people you know, let alone those you don't.

Mistake number two
She did not seem to be well practiced in the listening skill department. As you also likely know from previous posts, I find this a very important skill to grasp. It will help you not only in your various phone interactions throughout your day, but in life in general as well. I knew she was not good at listening again from her multiple demands to know who the hell I was. Remember to open your ears (instead of just your mouth) every time you speak with someone-practice makes perfect! If you do your best to listen in all your interactions with others, and you'll have it down in no time! I know you all can do this!

Mistake numbers three and four
She kept calling. This in spite of the fact that she did not seem to know who or why she was calling. This caused her to be more frustrated I'm sure, which then seemed to cause her to break with normal perceptions of acceptable behavior and move in to the realm of threats of physical harm to me. That, my lovelies, is in fact against the law. Which mistake #4. I do not advise breaking the law, as it can only lead to you getting into various degrees of big trouble. That's no fun at all!

Did she do anything right?
Well, it seems she did learn from mistake #2. She decided to listen when I said I would have to contact the authorities and firmly suggested she not contact me again. The fifth call was indeed her final call to me (thus far).

The lesson here is quite simple. Everyone has caller ID these days. I know where you are, and don't you forget it.

The lack of webcam surveillance-why I don't know if someone is at their desk

I don't know about your company, but at mine, we don't have webcam surveillance at everyone's desk. Therefore, I do not have a viewing screen at my switchboard of all the people at all the desks. If I did, then when you called me and asked me if John Doe was at his desk, I could actually tell you. But, my company is just not interested in spending that kind of money just in case someone really, really, really wants to know if John's at his desk at that very moment. So they haven't made that investment on your behalf. I'm terribly sorry to be the one that has to break that to you. I just don't know if John is at his desk or not. And no matter how many times you ring back to me and demand to that I tell you where he is, this fact will not change...

But if you ring back to me one more time because he's not answering the phone, you give me much more drive to invent a transporter type thing like in "Star Trek". Because I will use it to find you. And you don't want me to do that; I have a lot of pent-up aggression. So leave a message on John's voicemail. When he gets back to his desk, I bet he'll check his message. Then he'll call you back, and you'll both know he's at his desk and we'll all be much happier.

Sorry, that's not my name.

Let's get one thing very clear. I don't call people. That's not my job. I answer the phone. That's my job. So when you call me and say "Hi Linda. This is John Doe! I'm sorry I missed your call earlier, I was up stairs..." and so on and so forth, you're barking up the wrong tree.

I'm not Linda, or Melissa, or John, or Larry. I'm the receptionist-and I'm at the switchboard. That's why I answer with my company's name. If I were any of these people, I'd be much more likely to say something like "Company name, this is Linda." Something like that. But I don't. And my phone's ringing (because I'm at the switchboard). I'm not interested in why you didn't answer Linda's call. I'm only interested in which Linda you think you're speaking with so I can transfer your call to her. I'm sure she'd like to hear about how you were upstairs and heard the phone all the way downstairs, but were just way too busy to get to the call at that moment because the new puppy was playing with your 3 year old and accidentally bit her on the ear and then the kid started crying. But really it was just a scratch, no big deal, the kid was just kinda freaked out you know? I mean, wouldn't you be? You totally would. I know I would.

Actually, she probably wouldn't care to hear that story either. But she'll be much better at pretending than me, because all I'd like to do is answer all those other lines that are ringing.

Thinking on other people's time, or, why it's good to be prepared

I'd like to make one thing very clear from the get go. I am a big fan of thinking. I think about all sorts of things...from what color lipstick I'd like to wear today to the odd habits of those crazy little quarks. Clearly, some of these thoughts are deeper than others, I do own a lot of lipstick after all.

Thinking can be great fun to be sure, and I understand can even help to stave off Alzheimer's disease. Amazing! However, thinking at inappropriate times is no fun for anyone at all.* Like, when the waitress has come by you table for the 5th time and your date STILL doesn't know what to order. Or, like when you're standing in line at the grocery store waiting for a price check for the cranky lady in front of you that got the only bunch of banana's without a sticker on it, and the checkout girl is brand new! That's a serious amount of no fun whatsoever. Another time it's no fun to be thinking is when you've called a company. Reason being, other people call too! Most of them even know who they're calling because they checked their messages and wrote down the person's name and maybe even their extension(!). But while you're thinking about who you're calling, or why you'd be doing that in the first place,** all those other prepared people have to wait. That's no fun for those people at all. I believe in fairness. You believe in fairness too I'm sure. It is very unfair to make other people wait. And unfair is no fun. Do you really want to ruin someone else's day like that? I thought not.

*It can even go so far as to make someone stress out, which in turn creates a cascade of chemical reactions and induces inflammation in the body, which has been proven to be a contributing factor in developing Alzheimer's disease...Scary!

**If you're not sure why you're calling, other than there's a number on your phone, please see some of my previous posts.

Listening skills-why you should pay attention

Today I'm going to step away from my running thread of knowing who you're calling. I want to talk about what to do when you have made a phone call to a company.

Now, when you've called a number you are unfamiliar with, it would be best to listen to how the phone is answered. That is a big clue as to who you've reached. If you are talking to other people or listening to your radio really loudly or eating or your kids are screaming or any other distracting thing when you call a number you don't know, you may not hear how the phone is answered. This is unfortunate for both you and the person answering the phone. For you because you have wasted your own time. But it's far worse for us. This is due to the fact that The Receptionist species really likes efficiency. Repeating one's self is not the least bit efficient. It is a waste of precious seconds that could be used for breathing or answering another phone call or saying hi to a person walking by the desk. Add up all the times we have to repeat ourselves all day, and the seconds turn in to minutes, and the minutes turn in to an entire hour or two. I'm being quite serious, it happens that much. All day! Therefore, we really do not like to repeat ourselves. We especially don't like having to repeat ourselves multiple times to the same person. That's really annoying.

It's not just important to be listening when a person answers the phone. It's important to listen when they are giving you information. "Why?" Well thank you for asking! The best reason to listen while people are giving you information is because they're not doing it to hear themselves speak. (Remember, we are fond of efficiency.) It's because they're telling you something you may actually need to know. Things such as the name of the company. Or, maybe that they don't know who called you because they're the receptionist, not the phone dialer for the company. Or maybe they're answering the question you've just asked them. That's a really good thing to pay attention to in all of life really. It's silly to ask a question and then not listen to the answer (or worse, continue to talk over the person while they answer the question you've asked!).

Let's give an example of that last point shall we? Let's say you're trying to reach the toll free number for your giant insurance company. Somehow, you have misdialed (see misdial post for more information on that subject and how to handle such situations) and you have reached my company. My company is not your insurance company. The first clue to this fact is that I answered the phone with my company name. However, you were practicing poor listening skills at the time and did not hear what I said. You begin to tell me about how you need to change your insurance policy because you've just installed a home security system. While I am happy for you that you've taken such a step to ensure the safety of your family and home, I am not able to direct you to someone that can make such changes to your policy. Because you have not reached your insurance company. You'd know this if you had been practicing good listening skills when you called because you would have noticed right away that I answered the phone with a completely different company name. But you didn't. At this point, you have finally finished talking and allow me the chance to tell you that you've got the wrong number. You are still practicing bad listening skills, so what I have just said doesn't quite compute. This is where you try to verify the number you have dialed. Many, many, many companies have several phone numbers and, while The Receptionist has quite a good head for phone extensions, we do not have room amongst all the extensions for every phone number that comes to our switchboard. So we do not know if you have dialed correctly. But you see, that point is moot anyway. We are still not, have never been, and will never be, your insurance company. Perhaps you have an old business card with a phone number that your insurance company stopped using years ago that now comes to us. Perhaps you wrote the number down wrong. It really doesn't matter how it's happened. The point of the matter is that we are not your insurance company. This point is irrefutable. Unchangeable. Like your mother-in-law, it just is what it is. You must learn to accept it. Continuing to question this fact, or even argue against it, is inefficient. And annoying. Stop it.

The disconnect and not knowing who called

We're going to talk about a couple things today. They're pretty simple concepts to grasp, and I have faith in you. I know you'll understand!

Let's start with the dreaded disconnect. Why do I dread it so? Let's start this from the beginning of the call so you'll understand. We'll use John as an example again. John calls Nancy and dials the correct number this time. Nancy answers the phone, so she and John begin their conversation. It appears that John has reached Nancy on her cell phone while she's driving. Because she's driving, she made the wise decision of not turning her eyes away from the road to search in her purse for a pen and paper to write John's name down. She tells herself she'll remember his name and will write it down later when it's safe to do so. That's quite understandable. Unfortunately for us all, Nancy suddenly hits a cell dead zone, and her call is disconnected. And wouldn't you know it, she forgot John's name already! She is faced with two options: She can wait for John to her back. Or she can dial the number her cell phone stored for him and hope that it's his direct line. She decides on option number 2. This is officially a problem. Why? Well you see, that number was not John's direct line. It was the main number for John's company, the company I answer the phone for. Nancy has reached me-the receptionist.

This leads us to the second part of our discussion today. Knowing who called. Nancy does not know who called because she did not write John's name down because she was driving. I do not know who called because I do not make phone calls FOR people. I just answer the phone calls MADE to people. It is a simple but ever so important distinction. Since I do not make calls for people, I do not know who Nancy was speaking with. Which means Nancy has wasted precious cell phone minutes explaining the situation to me in the vain hope that knowing what happened will change the simple fact that I can't put her call through to John because neither of us knows she was talking to John.

This scenario is a wonderful example of why it is important to know who called you. Because if you don't know who called, I can't help. I want to help. Help me help you.

The misdial-AKA wrong number

Today's lesson (if you will) builds upon yesterday. If you'll remember, we talked about the difference between a missed call and an actual message. Today, we'll talk about misdialing. Though we are just going to concentrate on when someone from a company misdials and ends up ringing your phone. Not when you misdial and hang up on me or demand I repeat 3-5 times the name of the company I work for, what we do, and why we'd be calling you while you hear all my lines ringing in the background. We'll talk about listening skills in another post.

Now, a misdial has another name you may be more familier with. This name is "Wrong number". It happens when numbers are transposed somewhere along the line. Or gosh darn it, you hit the 5 when you were trying for the 4! These things happen, we're human after all.

How would this relate to a missed call vs. a message? Well, here's a little story for you. John needs to make a phone call. When John is dialing the number, he misdials and ends up calling the wrong number. He doesn't leave a message because he realizes his mistake because he was trying to reach Nancy, but he got David's voicemail. That was a clue to him that he somehow had the wrong number. This misdail will in turn make David's phone tell him he has a missed call. And since we now know a missed call is just a missed call and not a message, David does not need to call the number on the Caller ID back. Make sense? Good.

"What's the problem? Why would it be an issue to you if John has fat finger syndrome?" you may be wondering now. It's not really a problem for me if John has fat finger syndrome. However, when David looks at his phone, sees the misdial, and decides to call back, we have a problem. Because I don't know that it was John that had a case of fatty fingers and accidentally called David when he was trying to call Nancy. This leads us to an impasse. David's on the phone, and he knows someone called, but he doesn't know who. I'm on the phone with David, who has informed me that someone called, but I also don't know who. Do you see now why this is a problem?

The intention of this post was to reaffirm why it is unnecessary, a waste of time, and really a bit silly, to call back a number you don't know just because you saw you had a missed call. I hope it's helped you to be a better phone user.

What's the difference between a message and caller ID? Oh, let me explain!

There's a huge difference.

I have found many, many, many callers do not understand that the number your phone gives you when you've missed a call is, in fact, not a message. It's just your phone saying "Hey! You missed a call from this number. I don't know who it is, because you haven't programed my SIM card with it yet. So maybe you don't know who it is either." That's all it's telling you. I swear. I know, crazy thought, but the truth nonetheless.

So onto what a message really is. It's when your phone says "Hey! You have a voice mail." You should probably listen to it, because the person that left it probably was telling you why they were calling, and more importantly, THEIR NAME. It would be really silly (bad silly at that) to call back before listening to the message, because you won't know who called you.

If there was no voice mail, you did not receive a message. You had a missed call. The reason it's important to comprehend this difference is this: Receptionists as a species are not yet able to pull information from the ether of the universe. It's an unfortunate fact. So, if you didn't get a message, or equally as bad, you got a message and didn't listen to it, we can not help you. And we won't want to either. Because you called a number, and you don't know why. That made us mad. So there.