The lack of webcam surveillance-why I don't know if someone is at their desk

I don't know about your company, but at mine, we don't have webcam surveillance at everyone's desk. Therefore, I do not have a viewing screen at my switchboard of all the people at all the desks. If I did, then when you called me and asked me if John Doe was at his desk, I could actually tell you. But, my company is just not interested in spending that kind of money just in case someone really, really, really wants to know if John's at his desk at that very moment. So they haven't made that investment on your behalf. I'm terribly sorry to be the one that has to break that to you. I just don't know if John is at his desk or not. And no matter how many times you ring back to me and demand to that I tell you where he is, this fact will not change...

But if you ring back to me one more time because he's not answering the phone, you give me much more drive to invent a transporter type thing like in "Star Trek". Because I will use it to find you. And you don't want me to do that; I have a lot of pent-up aggression. So leave a message on John's voicemail. When he gets back to his desk, I bet he'll check his message. Then he'll call you back, and you'll both know he's at his desk and we'll all be much happier.

Sorry, that's not my name.

Let's get one thing very clear. I don't call people. That's not my job. I answer the phone. That's my job. So when you call me and say "Hi Linda. This is John Doe! I'm sorry I missed your call earlier, I was up stairs..." and so on and so forth, you're barking up the wrong tree.

I'm not Linda, or Melissa, or John, or Larry. I'm the receptionist-and I'm at the switchboard. That's why I answer with my company's name. If I were any of these people, I'd be much more likely to say something like "Company name, this is Linda." Something like that. But I don't. And my phone's ringing (because I'm at the switchboard). I'm not interested in why you didn't answer Linda's call. I'm only interested in which Linda you think you're speaking with so I can transfer your call to her. I'm sure she'd like to hear about how you were upstairs and heard the phone all the way downstairs, but were just way too busy to get to the call at that moment because the new puppy was playing with your 3 year old and accidentally bit her on the ear and then the kid started crying. But really it was just a scratch, no big deal, the kid was just kinda freaked out you know? I mean, wouldn't you be? You totally would. I know I would.

Actually, she probably wouldn't care to hear that story either. But she'll be much better at pretending than me, because all I'd like to do is answer all those other lines that are ringing.