Keep it simple

Or, as my Grandfather would say...Keep it simple stupid!

What could I be referring to? Well, that would be leaving messages love! You see, I'm not interested that you're responding to an email/voice mail that Jake left you three days ago about a proposal on something-or-other but you haven't been able to get back to him until now because you were buying a house and your wife just had her 3rd(!) baby and the cat threw up on the carpet right when you were grabbing your coat to come to work today and then your car broke down and on top of all that you've just been so busy at work with all these deadlines and they're so much harder to meet what with Jenny being laid off a couple weeks ago and all and Oh my god! you've got this huge presentation to the VP of marketing in just a week and you haven't even been able to make it to the grocery store let alone return a phone call!

Yeah, see, I really don't care. All I need to know is your name, your phone number, and the best time for Jake to reach you. That's it! :) Isn't that much easier than giving a perfect stranger your whole life story? Don't you feel relieved that you don't have to tell me all that? I thought you would!

Excuse me, my other lines are ringing!

The purpose of a receptionist is pretty simple: Answer the phone, transfer calls, and greet guests. Our purpose is NOT to chat with you on the phone whilst other lines ring off the hook. I understand. I have a nice friendly voice. I am pleasant on the phone. I do my very best to not be rude. But you see, when you are engaging me in a conversation beyond the full name and/or extension of the person you are calling while you can hear the phones ringing in the background, you are being rude and forcing me to be rude as well. Something you clearly fail to understand is this - there is another person on the other end of that line that has caused my phone to ring. While you are trying to chat with me, that person has to wait. They don't know why they have to wait. All they know is the phone just rings and rings and rings! They shouldn't have to wait at all. They should be able to have their call answered in a timely manner (I'm sure you appreciated it when I answered your call after only one ring!). After all, that's what I was hired to do. It's my prime directive so to speak. So, please don't ask me how my day is and try to engage in playful banter. I want none of it.

Being a jerk is uncalled for

Must you take your bad day out on a woman that's just doing her job? No, I don't think you must do that. I think what you must do is take a step back and reexamine your life. Determine where your mother went wrong when teaching you proper etiquette. Or perhaps, she did nothing wrong and it's really just bad decision making on your part. Whatever the case may be, you seem to be a terribly unhappy person that defines the meaning behind the term "Misery loves company." Yours is not the type of company I would ever chose to keep, so please refrain from calling me any further-I do not like you. I only like those that know the names and extensions of the person(s) they are calling. Have a great day!

Phone harassment-in general just bad karma-and often illegal

I had a very bad experience yesterday my dear reader(s). An incredibly unstable individual decided to take her bad day out on me. To the point that she made threats to my safety. This is not proper phone etiquette. Nor is it the best way to live one's life, but we'll keep this discussion to proper phone usage.

This is the family friendly-ish edited versions of our five (yes, 5) conversations.

Call #1
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name.
Her-Yeah! Who is this?!?!?
Me-Repeat company name
Her-WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!
Me-This is company name
Her-NO!!!!!! WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!?!
Me-Who are you trying to reach?
Her-You been calling me all day. Stop it or get bent!
Me-I'm a switchboard operator, I do not make phone calls.
Her-Begins screaming incoherently
Me-Hangs up

Call #2
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name.
Her-Oh I got you now! I'm reporting your ass!
Me-Excuse me?
Her-Your dead
Me-do not threaten me
Her-Begins screaming incoherently
Me-hangs up

Call #3
Me-(recognizing the phone number)Answering the phone less politely than normal with my company name.
Her-WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Me-Ma'am, you're the one that keeps calling me
Her-Begins screaming incoherently
Me-Stop calling me or I will have to report you
Her-continuing to scream
Me-hangs up

Call #4
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name (she decided to call from a different phone # this time).
Her-$#@!^^$* (*%^#!%@ %%^&***#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me-Hangs up

Call #5
Me-Answering the phone politely with my company name (she decided to call from yet another phone # than the previous two).
Her-I'm going to ____ rip your %*#!^)@ ______ off and _________ you _____.
Me-I've written down all the numbers that you've called me from and I will report you to the authorities. I suggest you stop calling me.
Her-Silence
Me-Hangs up

Let's dissect this incident to clarify where she may have misunderstood what to do when calling other people shall we?

Mistake number one
She did not know who she was calling. As you no doubt know from previous posts, I've found this to be an unhelpful no-no for everyone that is involved. She asked multiple times in her first call who the hell I was. Just a side note, it's not nice to swear at people you know, let alone those you don't.

Mistake number two
She did not seem to be well practiced in the listening skill department. As you also likely know from previous posts, I find this a very important skill to grasp. It will help you not only in your various phone interactions throughout your day, but in life in general as well. I knew she was not good at listening again from her multiple demands to know who the hell I was. Remember to open your ears (instead of just your mouth) every time you speak with someone-practice makes perfect! If you do your best to listen in all your interactions with others, and you'll have it down in no time! I know you all can do this!

Mistake numbers three and four
She kept calling. This in spite of the fact that she did not seem to know who or why she was calling. This caused her to be more frustrated I'm sure, which then seemed to cause her to break with normal perceptions of acceptable behavior and move in to the realm of threats of physical harm to me. That, my lovelies, is in fact against the law. Which mistake #4. I do not advise breaking the law, as it can only lead to you getting into various degrees of big trouble. That's no fun at all!

Did she do anything right?
Well, it seems she did learn from mistake #2. She decided to listen when I said I would have to contact the authorities and firmly suggested she not contact me again. The fifth call was indeed her final call to me (thus far).

The lesson here is quite simple. Everyone has caller ID these days. I know where you are, and don't you forget it.

The lack of webcam surveillance-why I don't know if someone is at their desk

I don't know about your company, but at mine, we don't have webcam surveillance at everyone's desk. Therefore, I do not have a viewing screen at my switchboard of all the people at all the desks. If I did, then when you called me and asked me if John Doe was at his desk, I could actually tell you. But, my company is just not interested in spending that kind of money just in case someone really, really, really wants to know if John's at his desk at that very moment. So they haven't made that investment on your behalf. I'm terribly sorry to be the one that has to break that to you. I just don't know if John is at his desk or not. And no matter how many times you ring back to me and demand to that I tell you where he is, this fact will not change...

But if you ring back to me one more time because he's not answering the phone, you give me much more drive to invent a transporter type thing like in "Star Trek". Because I will use it to find you. And you don't want me to do that; I have a lot of pent-up aggression. So leave a message on John's voicemail. When he gets back to his desk, I bet he'll check his message. Then he'll call you back, and you'll both know he's at his desk and we'll all be much happier.

Sorry, that's not my name.

Let's get one thing very clear. I don't call people. That's not my job. I answer the phone. That's my job. So when you call me and say "Hi Linda. This is John Doe! I'm sorry I missed your call earlier, I was up stairs..." and so on and so forth, you're barking up the wrong tree.

I'm not Linda, or Melissa, or John, or Larry. I'm the receptionist-and I'm at the switchboard. That's why I answer with my company's name. If I were any of these people, I'd be much more likely to say something like "Company name, this is Linda." Something like that. But I don't. And my phone's ringing (because I'm at the switchboard). I'm not interested in why you didn't answer Linda's call. I'm only interested in which Linda you think you're speaking with so I can transfer your call to her. I'm sure she'd like to hear about how you were upstairs and heard the phone all the way downstairs, but were just way too busy to get to the call at that moment because the new puppy was playing with your 3 year old and accidentally bit her on the ear and then the kid started crying. But really it was just a scratch, no big deal, the kid was just kinda freaked out you know? I mean, wouldn't you be? You totally would. I know I would.

Actually, she probably wouldn't care to hear that story either. But she'll be much better at pretending than me, because all I'd like to do is answer all those other lines that are ringing.

Thinking on other people's time, or, why it's good to be prepared

I'd like to make one thing very clear from the get go. I am a big fan of thinking. I think about all sorts of things...from what color lipstick I'd like to wear today to the odd habits of those crazy little quarks. Clearly, some of these thoughts are deeper than others, I do own a lot of lipstick after all.

Thinking can be great fun to be sure, and I understand can even help to stave off Alzheimer's disease. Amazing! However, thinking at inappropriate times is no fun for anyone at all.* Like, when the waitress has come by you table for the 5th time and your date STILL doesn't know what to order. Or, like when you're standing in line at the grocery store waiting for a price check for the cranky lady in front of you that got the only bunch of banana's without a sticker on it, and the checkout girl is brand new! That's a serious amount of no fun whatsoever. Another time it's no fun to be thinking is when you've called a company. Reason being, other people call too! Most of them even know who they're calling because they checked their messages and wrote down the person's name and maybe even their extension(!). But while you're thinking about who you're calling, or why you'd be doing that in the first place,** all those other prepared people have to wait. That's no fun for those people at all. I believe in fairness. You believe in fairness too I'm sure. It is very unfair to make other people wait. And unfair is no fun. Do you really want to ruin someone else's day like that? I thought not.

*It can even go so far as to make someone stress out, which in turn creates a cascade of chemical reactions and induces inflammation in the body, which has been proven to be a contributing factor in developing Alzheimer's disease...Scary!

**If you're not sure why you're calling, other than there's a number on your phone, please see some of my previous posts.